Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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