you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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