I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
then he tried to convert me to islam
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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