I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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