1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
