Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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