Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
