He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
