dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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