this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
