New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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