I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Rumble strips road head = magical
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
