Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
