My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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