she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
