my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize