You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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