i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
