My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
