im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
