dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Porn is love you can see.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
