I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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