I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
