I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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