First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
