i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
