somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
