I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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