Moan for me like Helen Keller
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
So many bounce houses so little time
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
