The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize