First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
