I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
