need another drink. this is the easiest way
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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