Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
