Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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