Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize