So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
