her vagine was all disorganized.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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