Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
