Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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