I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I think I just sharted jello shots
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
