you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
