Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I have post one night stand depression
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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