OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
