i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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