Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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