You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
