My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
