all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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