you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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