Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
