How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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