youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
