why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
