i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
