I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
it's like iHOP with fire
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
