there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
