My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
