i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize