When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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