The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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