found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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